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June 3
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A little something to chew on:

To copy and paste what I said to my dear friend Fulcon...

I think that drinking stupor awakened in me an epiphany... about myself, things I've said over the years, my actions and my purpose in life.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm tired. I have come to regret and cringe at some of the things I've said and done. I'm tired of being argumentative, condescending, aggressive, confrontational, rude, dismissive and even condescending to people of opposing religious/political/social viewpoints. I have been acting exactly like the sort of holier than thou secular hardcore left wing social justice crusader...

That alienated my brother. I've seen where this leads.

I've been bitter, judgmental and - frankly, in my own way, as prejudiced as the people I turned down my nose at. I was inconsiderate, writing things like "You're Stupid if You Believe in..." and other such articles where I violently push forward my political and social philosophy with all the subtlety of a train wreck.

... I don't want to be like that anymore.

When I was a small child, I wasn't one of the boys who horsed round or rough housed. God, no. I was the small, sensitive, girlish child who played dress up and tea time, had a Disney princess doll of Cinderella instead of a Power Rangers toy, wore makeup, and hated violence.

I didn't want to be hurt, and I didn't want to hurt others. For God's sake, my very first heroes weren't Indiana Jones and Batman like I had been lying to you all this time...

... It was the Disney princesses. 

Yes, really. Me, the big feminist, saw Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Megara, Jasmine, Mulan and Esmerelda as my heroes.

They didn't make me feel shamed of my femininity. They made it a virtue. I loved their outfits, I loved how they were put through so much crap they still had the strength to have a song in their heart and a spring in their step.

I wanted to be like them: nice, kind, optimistic, determined... and Belle being a bookworm and intellectual appealed to me like nothing else.

Of course, that all changed with a childhood full of ridicule... abuse at the hands of an uncaring school system... the crushing of dreams by parents who insisted I suppress my sexuality and identity so I could be a normal boy... constant humiliation... violent beatings from classmates...

Naturally, I developed anger issues, suicidal depression, bipolar disorder, and a tendency to lash out in thuggish violence.

Couple that with struggling with the concept of mortality leading me to study science and theology, and thereby becoming quite disillusioned with my God and His religion by the time I was 12...

I was a bundle of adolescent rage, crippling insecurity, rebellion and violence.

The indulges in my femininity i repressed for years, becoming ashamed whenever I wore my sister's school uniform or petticoats or what have you once or twice a year...

It wasn't until college I started to become a happier individual, where I came to accept this side to myself I had long suppressed so I could maintain a veneer of Hetero-normalcy to the public eye...

Even then, I was nervous and anxious... and still depressed and suicidal, culminating in a nervous breakdown that left me flunking university and hitting a new rock bottom.

And let's not forget my aforementioned crusading and dickery largely as self destructive responses to the shit I had been through.

Cue a year of experimental therapy that involved computers, drugs, and... Persona 4.

... I am not exaggerating when I say that game probably saved my life. A game about I overcoming your inner demons? Accepting yourself, warts and all? Becoming a better human being? 

In the pits of my despair and rage, this was exactly what the doctor ordered.

The last few months, though I have never been better, I was still kind of a jerk who disrespected other peoples policies and religions and acted holier than thou about it.

Then the whole debacle with my brother led me to realize what I was becoming. 

I want no part of it.

That, and various other little things...led me back to rediscovering the joy of being feminine, of loving the Disney princesses (thanks Elsa), of finding no shame in being what I am...

I experienced a gradual transformation, going through a metamorphosis...

And then I got blackout drunk. This seems to have been the main trigger...tht and that email...

Now, I know who I am and what I had always wanted to be. When the boys wanted to be knights... Well...

I want to be kind. I want to be graceful and dignified. I want to be beautiful, heroic and strong. I want... to be a princess.

What I don't want to be is a miserable, perpetually angry social justice warrior. What I don't want to be is violent and intolerant. What I don't want to be is a dick.

I still believe in rationalism, humanism, the power of science, human rights, gay rights, feminism, and all my other liberal ideals...

But now I know there is a nicer and pacifistic way of going about it.

So, for me, being a princess is my way of renouncing my old, confrontational, ugly, violent, ways, actions, comments and attitudes...

And adopting a philosophy of pacifism, diplomacy, harmony, civility, respect and leading by example. I can't change minds, but I can at least represent my position and my community by setting an example and reaching out to opposing views with empathy and kindness.

My purpose in life, at this point? 

I want to make this corner of the world... a fun, pleasant, happy place. I want to entertain. I want to bring joy. I want to make people happy. Because making people happy males me happy. It doesn't matter what you believe in, I want to make you laugh, elate you and generally provide a good time.

So, just for fun... 

In this corner of the world, I call it my kingdom. I'm the Trans Geek Princess, and anyone here is entitled to friendship, tolerance, peace, acceptance, fun and joy.

... And I'm aware of the irony of a feminist finding strength in so stereotypical a role and attributes...

But you know what? Screw it, I'm appropriating it.

As I said to Fulcon...

"You can still embrace a standard gender role and still be awesome.

So, yes. I'm a girly girl. I love fashion, elegance, cute things, cooking, cleaning, makeup and looking pretty.

I believe... in making people happy."

(Curtsies and blows a kiss) I love you all.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconatlantathearistocrat:
AtlantaTheAristocrat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I wish I had that kind of courage. Sadly, I'm just a lazy coward.
Reply
:iconmrddixon:
mrddixon Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014
nicley written, i like that you let yerself be vulnerable,  that not easy, and rarely seen on this site

a
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014
Sometimes, you have to take risks. Which, incidentally, works, as it tends to generate respect when rightly executed.
Reply
:icongoddragonking:
GodDragonKing Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Go ahead and be whatever is the healthiest.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Which, in this case, is being the best woman I can be.
Reply
:icongoddragonking:
GodDragonKing Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I feel like today's societies have a trend against femininity in both sexes. People opposed to the traditional gender roles encourage women to not be feminine, and men have their role they're expected to have any nobody seems to care about how harmful forcing them to live up that can be.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I think you're quite right there...
Reply
:icongoddragonking:
GodDragonKing Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I find this creates a conundrum with female characters. Action girls are fine, but there is still the idea women shouldn't be feminine. And of course feminine men are almost always evil. Seriously, you think of any effeminate male characters that aren't villains?
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I can think of a few... But they're victims instead. 
Reply
:iconkaspirjones:
KaspirJones Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Wow. :*( Very sorry you had to endure so much so young and to that I can relate as well as you're attempt to blossom from it rather than wilt.  I honestly have no blood family because of who I am. Who I am being, just plain weird. Awkward. However you want to say it. I feel your plight and I struggle to be as kind and forgiving as you yet often fail. What you said is inspiring and I am happy you have come to such a conclusion in your life and have found people who let you bloom in this manner without tearing you down. Congratulations. :)
Reply
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