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A little something to chew on:

To copy and paste what I said to my dear friend Fulcon...

I think that drinking stupor awakened in me an epiphany... about myself, things I've said over the years, my actions and my purpose in life.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm tired. I have come to regret and cringe at some of the things I've said and done. I'm tired of being argumentative, condescending, aggressive, confrontational, rude, dismissive and even condescending to people of opposing religious/political/social viewpoints. I have been acting exactly like the sort of holier than thou secular hardcore left wing social justice crusader...

That alienated my brother. I've seen where this leads.

I've been bitter, judgmental and - frankly, in my own way, as prejudiced as the people I turned down my nose at. I was inconsiderate, writing things like "You're Stupid if You Believe in..." and other such articles where I violently push forward my political and social philosophy with all the subtlety of a train wreck.

... I don't want to be like that anymore.

When I was a small child, I wasn't one of the boys who horsed round or rough housed. God, no. I was the small, sensitive, girlish child who played dress up and tea time, had a Disney princess doll of Cinderella instead of a Power Rangers toy, wore makeup, and hated violence.

I didn't want to be hurt, and I didn't want to hurt others. For God's sake, my very first heroes weren't Indiana Jones and Batman like I had been lying to you all this time...

... It was the Disney princesses. 

Yes, really. Me, the big feminist, saw Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Megara, Jasmine, Mulan and Esmerelda as my heroes.

They didn't make me feel shamed of my femininity. They made it a virtue. I loved their outfits, I loved how they were put through so much crap they still had the strength to have a song in their heart and a spring in their step.

I wanted to be like them: nice, kind, optimistic, determined... and Belle being a bookworm and intellectual appealed to me like nothing else.

Of course, that all changed with a childhood full of ridicule... abuse at the hands of an uncaring school system... the crushing of dreams by parents who insisted I suppress my sexuality and identity so I could be a normal boy... constant humiliation... violent beatings from classmates...

Naturally, I developed anger issues, suicidal depression, bipolar disorder, and a tendency to lash out in thuggish violence.

Couple that with struggling with the concept of mortality leading me to study science and theology, and thereby becoming quite disillusioned with my God and His religion by the time I was 12...

I was a bundle of adolescent rage, crippling insecurity, rebellion and violence.

The indulges in my femininity i repressed for years, becoming ashamed whenever I wore my sister's school uniform or petticoats or what have you once or twice a year...

It wasn't until college I started to become a happier individual, where I came to accept this side to myself I had long suppressed so I could maintain a veneer of Hetero-normalcy to the public eye...

Even then, I was nervous and anxious... and still depressed and suicidal, culminating in a nervous breakdown that left me flunking university and hitting a new rock bottom.

And let's not forget my aforementioned crusading and dickery largely as self destructive responses to the shit I had been through.

Cue a year of experimental therapy that involved computers, drugs, and... Persona 4.

... I am not exaggerating when I say that game probably saved my life. A game about I overcoming your inner demons? Accepting yourself, warts and all? Becoming a better human being? 

In the pits of my despair and rage, this was exactly what the doctor ordered.

The last few months, though I have never been better, I was still kind of a jerk who disrespected other peoples policies and religions and acted holier than thou about it.

Then the whole debacle with my brother led me to realize what I was becoming. 

I want no part of it.

That, and various other little things...led me back to rediscovering the joy of being feminine, of loving the Disney princesses (thanks Elsa), of finding no shame in being what I am...

I experienced a gradual transformation, going through a metamorphosis...

And then I got blackout drunk. This seems to have been the main trigger...tht and that email...

Now, I know who I am and what I had always wanted to be. When the boys wanted to be knights... Well...

I want to be kind. I want to be graceful and dignified. I want to be beautiful, heroic and strong. I want... to be a princess.

What I don't want to be is a miserable, perpetually angry social justice warrior. What I don't want to be is violent and intolerant. What I don't want to be is a dick.

I still believe in rationalism, humanism, the power of science, human rights, gay rights, feminism, and all my other liberal ideals...

But now I know there is a nicer and pacifistic way of going about it.

So, for me, being a princess is my way of renouncing my old, confrontational, ugly, violent, ways, actions, comments and attitudes...

And adopting a philosophy of pacifism, diplomacy, harmony, civility, respect and leading by example. I can't change minds, but I can at least represent my position and my community by setting an example and reaching out to opposing views with empathy and kindness.

My purpose in life, at this point? 

I want to make this corner of the world... a fun, pleasant, happy place. I want to entertain. I want to bring joy. I want to make people happy. Because making people happy males me happy. It doesn't matter what you believe in, I want to make you laugh, elate you and generally provide a good time.

So, just for fun... 

In this corner of the world, I call it my kingdom. I'm the Trans Geek Princess, and anyone here is entitled to friendship, tolerance, peace, acceptance, fun and joy.

... And I'm aware of the irony of a feminist finding strength in so stereotypical a role and attributes...

But you know what? Screw it, I'm appropriating it.

As I said to Fulcon...

"You can still embrace a standard gender role and still be awesome.

So, yes. I'm a girly girl. I love fashion, elegance, cute things, cooking, cleaning, makeup and looking pretty.

I believe... in making people happy."

(Curtsies and blows a kiss) I love you all.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconatlantathearistocrat:
AtlantaTheAristocrat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I wish I had that kind of courage. Sadly, I'm just a lazy coward.
Reply
:iconmrddixon:
mrddixon Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014
nicley written, i like that you let yerself be vulnerable,  that not easy, and rarely seen on this site

a
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:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014
Sometimes, you have to take risks. Which, incidentally, works, as it tends to generate respect when rightly executed.
Reply
:icongoddragonking:
GodDragonKing Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Go ahead and be whatever is the healthiest.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Which, in this case, is being the best woman I can be.
Reply
:icongoddragonking:
GodDragonKing Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I feel like today's societies have a trend against femininity in both sexes. People opposed to the traditional gender roles encourage women to not be feminine, and men have their role they're expected to have any nobody seems to care about how harmful forcing them to live up that can be.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I think you're quite right there...
Reply
:icongoddragonking:
GodDragonKing Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I find this creates a conundrum with female characters. Action girls are fine, but there is still the idea women shouldn't be feminine. And of course feminine men are almost always evil. Seriously, you think of any effeminate male characters that aren't villains?
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I can think of a few... But they're victims instead. 
Reply
:iconkaspirjones:
KaspirJones Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Wow. :*( Very sorry you had to endure so much so young and to that I can relate as well as you're attempt to blossom from it rather than wilt.  I honestly have no blood family because of who I am. Who I am being, just plain weird. Awkward. However you want to say it. I feel your plight and I struggle to be as kind and forgiving as you yet often fail. What you said is inspiring and I am happy you have come to such a conclusion in your life and have found people who let you bloom in this manner without tearing you down. Congratulations. :)
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I've even taken heat for this by highly militant liberals I once called colleagues. I was called a sellout, a moderate, a traitor... even a conservative slut. One radical feminist I was friends with is now refusing to talk to me over my decision to adopt and appropriate a highly stereotypical gender role as part of the new me. 

But I have no regrets. I'm sticking to my new self and outlook, through thick and thin. I'm happier as a soft, sentimental, nonviolent, uber-feminine girly girl than I was as a hard and aggressive male activist whose only success in his endeavours was to inspire more violence. 

In the last few days, I had three religious and conservative men come to me and say they were inspired, even persuaded, by my new actions and words. All because I was kind to them and respected their values. All because I empathized.

(And I was asked out by one of these ostensibly straight arrow and transphobic gentlemen for good measure, teehee)

This was more than my old self ever accomplished in politics. 
Reply
:iconkaspirjones:
KaspirJones Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Honey over Vinegar. ;) Nice work.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Hey, like I said, I'm here to make people happy.

Plus, what can I say? I have my feminine charms. ;) (Wink) 
Reply
:iconkaspirjones:
KaspirJones Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
lol, flaunt them! I'll take feminine charms over aggressive arrogance any day. :P
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
(Twirls long skirt, just for the fun of it)
Reply
:iconphoenixangelgal:
Phoenixangelgal Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Student General Artist
*slow clap* I'm very happy for you. I'm happy that you have found yourself. I'm happy that you seem to have gotten everything together and are gonna go places with it.

I'm still at the rut of a place where I'm not even sure what I want, let alone what I am. And I seem to struggle with my own issues: trying to please my parents who are looking out for the best of me, trying to be the great friend to te people I care for, trying to be the best student and worker, and trying to be the better person. My big issue is that it's hard for me to really DO something, ya know?

And right now, I feel so . . . average. Like there are 100 other other me's out there, and all of them slightly better than I am.

Maybe I'm in need of a change too -- hopefully not with the help of alcohol.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
(Hugs and pecks cheek)
Reply
:iconphoenixangelgal:
Phoenixangelgal Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Student General Artist
*hugs and pecks back*
Reply
:iconmojaramask:
Mojaramask Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
...I'm grinning ear to ear. Phan? (Mind if I still call you that? Quicker to write) I'm overjoyed. Been catching up your journals for the past few days, and it's a wonderful surprise. Your new viewpoint may take some getting used to (After all, I've had a vision of you as a cynical, hard hitting person for a long while) but I think I'm going to enjoy talking to new you. 

The minute you get back on Steam, lets chat it up!
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Heh, I think everyone has. I've been an angry, cynical man...

I don't want to be that guy anymore. I've never been happy as that guy. I have, in fact, only been truly happy and content as a personne ever I was, well, that girl. Hence... why not take steps to be that girl more frequently, of permanently?

I feel liberated and cheerier. Nicer. Less of a dick. 

And, of course, prettier :) 
Reply
:iconmojaramask:
Mojaramask Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I gotta say this is a pleasant surprise. Interested to hear analysis from a new woman.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
I know this means our debates might lack the same fire as they did before, God knows I was vitriolic and sneering and moralistic, but, hey, that doesn't mean I'm no longer opinionated. 

Who knows, this new couse might be more a little more interesting, a little more pleasant. 
Reply
:iconmojaramask:
Mojaramask Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Honestly, that might be part of my internal conflict. I think I might miss some of sneering, moralistic Phan. But whatever, I'm sure I can warm up to the new you in no time!
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Think of me as your fabulous cool older sister!
Reply
:iconmojaramask:
Mojaramask Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well, can't do that.

Never thought of you as my older sibling in the first place. Just a friend, my idealogical opposite, the ying to my yang. He was also a pretty rad dude. Only thing that will change is the dude part, I guess.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
That and I wear fab outfits with little excuse. But I'll still say, butt heads with you on everything from gender roles in video games to whether equal representation should take higher priority over just mechanics, and all that awesome jazz.

i just happen to be working on paying for a complete transition and a lovely pair of tits now, on top of everything else I say and do.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconconormcal:
Conormcal Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Dude, you have to be the most open people I've seen/met since coming onto this website. Granted, that's not saying much, considering the rest of this website is filled to the brim with roleplayers, but you're a chill guy/girl and that's my point.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Aww, thanks! (Pecks cheek)
Reply
:iconpandasennin:
PandaSennin Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Student Filmographer
It does my heart good to see this happen. And hey, it sounds like a fun kingdom.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Thanks for being cool, dude.
Reply
:iconpandasennin:
PandaSennin Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Student Filmographer
Of course man. I never saw the big deal in people making a fuzz about how some people identify themselves. You're a decent human being which is what matters the most.
Reply
:iconfawfulsee9000:
Fawfulsee9000 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
So is it ok if I believe in Shrek like a religion? Because...he is the only one.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
God's a fictional character too. Knock yourself out, hun.
Reply
:iconfawfulsee9000:
Fawfulsee9000 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Shrek is love, Shrek is life. Unlike God, Shrek is a real entity. www.facebook.com/groups/deathb… Watch as it is proven that Shrek is above TOAA (The One Above All).
Reply
:iconsluglo:
sluglo Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Philecia...

Welcome home.

Usually, in real life, I'm that neglected weird kid that everyone tries to be nice to, but I don't feel very good around myself.

Originally I lived in Israel for about 10 years, being one of those stereotypical Hebrew kids (Aggressive, likes soccer, Gets into trouble often).

But then, I moved to America for 3 years. The people there were...different. Much more..polite.

In less than a year, I changed. I became one of them.

When we came back to Israel, I just couldn't fit. My old friends were the same, and I was like that new kid from America. Manners were different. Things that were inappropriate in America were normal here... I still struggle making friends with these different people.


This is where I escape. Everyone shares a thing they like, they come open on everything, and they do awesome stuff, even if they are just average joes IRL.

Here I'm special. And you were one of my inspirations to join the site.

I don't care if you are a transexual, a normal person, or even an alien, you are still the same, ladude.

So, please, welcome home.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Thanks, hun.

(Kisses cheek)
Reply
:iconsluglo:
sluglo Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No problem :D (Big Grin) 
Reply
:iconmissmuffintop:
MissMuffinTop Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014   Writer
Nothin' wrong with femininity! The problem isn't pink~

Is it bad that as a lil' larva, Penny ate up both the princess stuff and pulpy-punchy action stories? Like, I didn't see either as mutually exclusive, and tended to just luuuuurve anything fantastical. I usually wanted be some kinda cute witch, tho, like Zatanna, or Kiki, or Sabrina from Archie Comics/television where Clarissa isn't Clarissa, i. Sabrina was like the besht! She was girly AND a dork, and she had the magic with the pew pews and the zapping and a snarky cat. Probs had my first like, fangirl crush on Sabrina Spellman, now that I think about it. :squee:

I tend to want to solve problems with pluck and mischief, thinking somehow I can cute my obstacles out of the way, ideally. I don't identify *enough* with how princesses "fit in" to feel like I would be very good at princessing. Plus witches get to fly and eat whatever they wants. 
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
These days, I like my action heroes and princesses in equal capacity,gotta say, now that I've finally embraced this side to me. 

Also, you're officially aces in my book! (Fist bumps)
Reply
:iconmissmuffintop:
MissMuffinTop Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014   Writer
I's aces? I'm just a chunky dork with glasses and an abundance of cuteness in the face and marshmallow-y-ness in the rump. How. How ish I aces?
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
And I'm a six foot chubby canadian who alternates between being a dude and being a fabulous woman, and will likely make the full transition to womanhood in the future. We're all strange and awesome.
Reply
:iconmissmuffintop:
MissMuffinTop Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014   Writer
Oh, okay! 

I got some...laughably dumb body problems of my own, which are a weird combination of like, "anorexia in reverse" and some kind of fetish where I feel like my conventionally-adorbs (skinneh) body is lacking in the curves/plumpness/thickness/chubs and feel bad and need to fix it and stuff. It's dumb, but ish basically like "I'm fat, in my head, and that's a good thing and how my outsides is supposed to be too."

D-does that make sense? :iconshyblushplz:
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Totally, honey. I have fetishes too, you know.

Women in business suits, me role playing as a French maid, a 1950s housewife or a sissy little girl, bondage, corsets, chubby women, other effeminate men, trans, x-dressers, etc...

So, hey, we all have things that capture our sexual sensibilities. 
Reply
:iconmissmuffintop:
MissMuffinTop Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014   Writer
Chubby women, you say? :33
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Basically, I'm a chubby woman too, and I'm proud of it. 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014
Chubby women, plus size women, don't get enough credit. I was once mistaken for a plus sized women when I went to a college Halloween costume party when I was dressed as a saucy frenchmaid.

I didn't exactly protest. 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Indeed I say!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icongodzillakiryu91:
GodzillaKiryu91 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
I'm...hello. I'm new, led here by your Death Battle. I must say, you sir/madam are one of the most brave individuals I have ever seen. I watched you for your writing abilities, but I will stay for you as a person. You seem like an awesome person to he to know, and I hope I do.
Reply
:iconlady-n-gentleman:
Lady-n-Gentleman Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
Aww, thank you. That means a lot.

Well, welcome to my neck of the woods! (Hugs!)
Reply
:icongodzillakiryu91:
GodzillaKiryu91 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
You are quite welcome! :)
Reply
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June 3, 2014
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